Friday, October 24, 2014
"Are you on drugs?"What, no, why would I be on drugs, where would I have even gotten drugs? No, it was more like 'what?' Bewildered eyes, and staring. Pupils dilated, soul exposed to the chill. Indescribable, gnawing, not some angel berating e from one shoulder. No angel for me. Do I have shame memories? I've been ashamed, but....oh. Exhale. Tingling skin, cold. No fire in my cheeks, not even hellfire could survive this. Quiet place, but not silent. Humans aren't the only things that make noise. 'Computer.' Empty white rectangle, staring me right in the face. 'I need something. I NEED something.' Tikka tikka goes the keyboard. I don't particularly want anyone reading this, but to read it to someone....Not embarrassed, no red cheeks or face turning. Deeper, deeper than the soul. 'Phone.' No, no what are you doing in there, that's her room, her sanctuary, let it alone. DON'T TAKE THAT. Swipe, click, and the deed is done. Was there a password...?Tikka tikka, fingers on a keyboard. No art here. Just the cold. Fragments, cutting shards. My insides shattered, then just disappeared. The emptiness had weight. Dilated, staring. 'Oh god, why, why did I do this, why? What should I have done? Left it? Replaced it sooner? Hid it better? Confessed immediately? Am I sorry that I did it, or that I got caught? Both. You're sorry about both. Avalanche of regret, repetitive, yet impossible to retain. Don't want to anyway. Fire. Nothing to burn in me, the void isn't flammable. In him. Name...? Doesn't matter, he's not a main character. Yelling man #2, just a bit part. Practically wrote himself out of the play. Screamed himself off the pages. Screamed away all the good times we had just been having. No fire here, but no submission. Mom. 'She'll be pissed. She'll take it all away.' That doesn't matter. 'She won't trust me. Don't deserve to be trusted.' Hours: tap play, stare, move on. Noise. Human noise. 'Hide it.' Don't do that... 'Hidden. Just have to replace it later.' Never slept in a car before. Sobbing. Explanation. 'She still loves me.' She never stopped, ya moron. "Probably threw it away, the shit." No fire. Coals. Shut up. You thought I was the villain? Just look at my EYES.