Thursday, October 23, 2014

Shame Memory

It wasn’t exactly planned. My friend was sleeping over, and we were giggly and tired. She had warned me many times about the fact that he wasn’t good. He was mean, and he was manipulative, and I didn’t care. I knew I liked him... I thought I knew I liked him. He was so above me, in my eyes I was so undeserving of his affection, but in the early hours of the morning nothing seemed more perfect. 

I felt a confidence surge through me that was less like courage and more like finally saying “fuck it”. I typed the words into my phone. I had to retype it a lot as I went, due to how shaky my hands were. I held the message, and my fate, in my hands. My friend urged me to hit the send button. She sighed and said “I don’t think he’s good for you, but if you really like him, then you have to go for it.” 

In an instant, the message was gone, lost to a series of 0’s and 1’s. As soon as I sent it, I wanted it to come back, knowing that it was out there, and there was nothing to be done. I waited anxiously, for what seemed like an eternity, or 5 seconds, I still can’t quite remember. Then, the phone lit up again, and my heart swelled. I opened up the message to reveal a kindhearted “sorry I just see you as a friend”. It was much longer than that, but that was all I needed to hear. 

My friend took the phone from me and read the rest of the message. She offered her comfort, but I wasn’t paying attention. My whole body went from rigid cold, to warm. I wanted to take back the moment, despite knowing it had happened. I was more than mortified, I felt ruined. He had been my best friend, and I felt like I traded it all away on a gamble.

 I should’ve stayed quiet. I shouldn’t have let this happen. I told this to my friend, and she told me it wasn’t the end of things, I hadn’t ruined it all. But the next thing I knew, he told me he wasn’t having a birthday party, and I later found out he had. I was watching him from a distance, with MY friends. We rarely spoke. My friend seemed more relieved than upset. I shouldn’t have cared. I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Who was he anyway? Some jerk who messes around with girls, and calls people fat and talks behind backs. But when he was nice, he was the sweetest, and when he was caring, he cared more than anyone else. And I was so lost in his life, that when he pulled away from mine, I had never felt more alone.


  1. This is a really good story. It's very descriptive, and I don't think there's a person on here who could read this without connecting it to their own memory.

  2. I liked your story. It was descriptive and used good imagery. I liked how you captured the embarrassment and awkwardness of a failed ask-out. The wavering decisions and sleepiness seemed to show, even without much description.

  3. Seeing the other comments, I feel like a broken record, but what they said was true. You used some great imagery, and your tone makes it really smooth to read. Good job.

  4. This is such a good story, I think you mix the reflection of the story as its happen and later on really well, as well as making it really relatable. You described how you felt really well.

  5. I really loved the last couple of lines they were very well written, relatable, and emotion provoking. I totally know what you mean about how at late hours of the night you feel more bold and you captured that feeling really well with your writing. Also you're right about the shakiness that can occur when sending a risky text! very relatable story! great job!